Saturday, March 20, 2010

Mother's day guilt.

Hello everyone,
This is my first blog, so please bear with me if I make any newbie mistakes!
On Mother's day, I went to the confirmation mass with my son (making his communion this year) in our local church. In a chuch full to the brim with local people and their relatives I felt so alone. Why? Because the parents of a few children who were making their confirmation had been over in our house a good few times for BBQ's and dinners a couple of years ago with their children and we had recieved no invitaions to join in their celebrations.
I noticed that this seemed to happen more and more as our youngest was at first being diagnosised as Asd and then us recieiving the news last August that he was on the spectum. Inclusion was introducted into the schools in Ireland for children with special needs, but where did it say that you were PC about it but would rather not include the family as a whole into your home or to your child's birthday party.
The isolation hurts in so many ways, oh sure I get some parents asking "So how is poor Roro doing these days?" Well you know what? First of all don't make me feel like we a have a lepper living in our house. Secondly he is my child that I love dearly and has a condition that he will have for the rest of his life. It is a 24/7 job where his parents get no breaks, so if you offered to mind him for a couple of hours, it would be great or even asked if there is something you can do for me. I might answer no but the thought would be appreciated.

Now down to the guilt part in the title. Still down in the dumps coming home from mass, I sat down, closed my eyes and wondered what would I really like for mother's day. The answer that came into my head immediately is the reason for my guilt. My ideal mother's day was a day to myself somewhere far away from my family and the stress and strains of every day life. Then the guilt kicked in, Jesus what a bitch I was being, how could I think like that when I love them so dearly. But God, I am so mentally and physically exhausted right now, I just wanted to be on my own, look in the mirror and go "Hey, I sort of recogonise that person, she used to be a lot more carefree and now look at those wrinkles and the state of her worn out looking. let's do something to ease away that stress" However standing in fron of my own mirror at home would have resulted in two possabilities. 1) the banging on the door 'Mum are you in there' or 'Are talking to yourself again!' from DH.

Anyway since this is my first blog I won't go on any further I just wish that people understood what it is like to live with special needs, we don't need your pity, we need your compassion, empathy, kindness and support.
Take care for now
Twiggy. xx


  1. Ruth you are not alone in wanting to escape from it all for a while! My ex used to say on mothers day if I would like to have the kids if it was his access day and I'd be "hell no... the best present I can get is the break!"

    There is nothing worse than feeling alone while surrounded by people and especially so if you are feeling excluded. Its their problem but yes, it does hurt. I asked my sister the other day to bring Munchkin to the playground with her as herself and her husband were bringing their little girl, but she refused, saying that she would worry that Munchkin would bolt on her. I didn't say much about it to her but it did hurt.

    We are all here on facebook, sailing the good ship autism with you chick, and know that we understand how you feel and empathise with you. Hang in there.

    Great first post by the way xxx

  2. Welcome to the world of blogging, fantastic first post.

    "We don't need your pity, we need your compassion, empathy, kindness and support" sums it up perfectly, so many people just don't get it.

    I hear you on the exhaustion and not looking in the mirror. The tiredness makes everything else so much harder to deal with, doesn't it?

    Looking forward to reading more, don't leave it too long. Jen.

  3. Doesn't it feel great to blog? You will really feel great after you see how much support you get from all the other bloggers and the awesome support group of women that we have on FB.

    You did a fine job because you are honest and open and you said everything that we all go through with wanting time away and kicking ourselves and feeling guilty for wanting it.

    I am a single mom and believe me, a break would be ever so welcome but it doesn't happen very often...very rarely! Griffin is high-functioning but that certainly doesn't mean that we are without our challenges. I understand what you are feeling and what you said is true...we don't want pity from anyone because we are not in a pitiful situation. We are proud of our special needs children and treasure them.

    I look forward to more posts!

  4. Damn right you need a break, so dont feel guilty for thinking that.
    We need the break even more than parents who dont have children with special needs, but it is so much harder for us.

    Congratulations for taking the leap into bloger-hood, its a brave and wonderful step to take xxx

  5. Thank you all for the lovely comments and reassurance that I'm not being selfish thinking of myself sometimes. A big thanks to Petunia for taking by hand via the internet and helping me set the page up, if she hadn't my blog would be floating around cyberspace trying to find a home.
    Hugs to all
    Twiggy...I picked that name in memory of my Dad as it's what he used to call me when I was a lot younger and about as thin as Twiggy. If I was to give myself a current name it probably would be mrs Tiddlywinks from Beatrice Potter,lol!!!!

  6. Hi Twiggy! Delighted to see you here in Blogsville!

    Great first post...doesn't it feel good, getting it all out there? At least I hope it does.

    Don't feel guilty, although it is normal to do so. Remember, time away from everyone helps recharge your batteries so that you're better able to deal with everything. You want it for the better good of the whole family ;-) Nuthin' wrong with that!

    Thanks so much for becoming a follower over on my blog! xx Jazzy

  7. hun i go away every mothers day without my husband and kids and i feel no guilt or shame for that, i enjoy myself care free and just being my OWN person for a day
    i know how you feel, its so hard, some people dont know how to talk to you any more, but nothings changed but THEM, not you xx

  8. Good to have another blog to read, and yes I think we all feel the same about getting a break from our kids, even though we love them so much.

  9. hey Twiggy,

    Welcome aboard the blog train, great blog, and you summed it up perfect and i know its easier said than done but you have no reason to feel guilty but as a mother, i think thats our cross to bear, to feel guilty somtimes.

    As for the so called friends, they dont understand or get it but please never forget your not alone, us fb friends are here for you xx